Customer Service is Run By Spam Bots

I have this dream of posting cool and interesting blogs at least three times a week. It’s an important dream. I know, better than most, that in order to have cool and fun content, you actually have to have content to work with. Consistency at the beginning of an internet project is more important than quality. [1]

So on May 27, when I tried to access my site and couldn’t, I was mildly perturbed. But, understanding that sometimes the internet and miscellaneous websites stop working for no obvious reason and then start up again for even less of a reason, I wasn’t freaking out.[2]

Then the same thing happened for the next few days. It go worse when I asked various friends to see if it was just me [3] and they couldn’t see the site either.

So I did a bit of research. I did all those things people try when they want their computer-internet-website to work.[4] I did cursory research. Then I contacted customer service. I chose to email them because I like a paper trail.

Three hours later, after telling me there was nothing wrong, did I try A, B, and C [5],  “talking” to five different people [6], and discovering that I was not the only person having this issue by stalking their message boards, I was able to get them to run a test on my server.

Somebody was having a lot of traffic and it wasn’t me.[7] They promised to work on it. Oh, and they couldn’t give me an estimate on how long it would take to fix.

I promised to summon Cthulhu to eat their first born. They said they don’t negotiate with terrorists. I said if I couldn’t access my site in a week, I was going to become a huge irritation, like a zit they couldn’t get rid of no matter how hard they popped. They told me they took Accutane on a regular basis so their bones glowed in the dark and weren’t afraid of a single zit.

I told them they had no idea who they were messing with. I play to win and I always win. [8] They snorted derisively at me and rolled their Spam Bot eyes.

Lucky for them, six days later, I could access my site.

 

[1] An argument can be made that quality isn’t even in the top three of Important Things in an Internet Project.
[2] Yet.
[3] I totally allow for stuff like that to happen in the Universe. I’m very Zen that way.
[4] Like screaming, yelling, smacking, pleading, and restarting the internet. Oh, and I tried accessing it on different computers and internet providers. You know, the logical stuff.

[5] Yes to all of this.
[6] Or just one Spam Bot with five different names.
[7] Let’s be serious, there are like, five of you.
[8] Except when I don’t. I have a great selective memory though.

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